The Stages of Grief and the Illusion of Emotional Control

We all go through the satages of grief all of the time: 

The stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – represent common emotional reactions to loss and change (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). However, they can also be seen as ways we deflect away from reality to pretend our interior emotional spaces can control external circumstances. In the depths of grief, we rage against what is, bargain for a different outcome, and sink into sorrow, before finally accepting what we cannot change (Pies, 2014). This process reveals core philosophical misconceptions that often surface in therapy – the belief that our thoughts and feelings can alter reality itself (Yalom, 1980).

These misconceptions are not just mental errors, but defense mechanisms against existential anxieties. We cling to the belief in an ultimate rescuer to avoid the dread of existential isolation (Yalom, 1980). We deny death to elude the reality of our own finitude (Becker, 1973). We imagine we are special and invulnerable to maintain an illusion of control in an unpredictable world (Pyszczynski, Greenberg, & Solomon, 1997). In therapy, recognizing and confronting these misconceptions is part of the journey toward self-actualization and authentic engagement with life (Rogers, 1995; May, 1981).

Let’s examine some of these core philosophical misconceptions in depth, tracing their roots in existential philosophy and psychology, and explore how they manifest in the therapeutic process.

Belief in an Ultimate Rescuer

One common misconception is the belief in an ultimate rescuer – a person, deity, or force that will save us from life’s hardships (Yalom, 1980). This stems from the existential anxiety of isolation, the recognition that we are fundamentally alone in our subjective experience. As infants, we rely on caregivers for survival, and this primal dependency can persist into adulthood as a yearning for a savior (Bowlby, 1969; Fromm, 1941). In therapy, this may manifest as a transference reaction, with the client viewing the therapist as an all-powerful figure who can magically resolve their problems (Freud, 1912). Part of the therapeutic process involves disillusionment from this fantasy and learning to face one’s aloneness with courage (Bugental, 1981).

The existential theologian Paul Tillich (1952) argued that the search for an ultimate rescuer is a form of idolatry, an attempt to make the finite infinite. We imbue a person or belief with absolute power to escape the anxiety of groundlessness. In therapy, clients may need to grieve the loss of this illusion and find meaning in self-reliance and human connection.

Death Denial

Another core misconception is death denial – the refusal to accept one’s own mortality. Ernest Becker (1973), in his Pulitzer Prize-winning book “The Denial of Death,” argued that humans are uniquely burdened by the knowledge of their finitude. Unlike other animals, we are aware that death is inevitable, and this existential terror underlies much of human behavior. We construct belief systems, strive for symbolic immortality through accomplishments, and invest in an afterlife to escape the reality of death (Becker, 1973).

In therapy, death denial can manifest as an avoidance of existential issues, a compulsive pursuit of success, or a paralyzing fear of the unknown (Yalom, 1980). Therapists may need to help clients confront their mortality, find meaning in the face of death, and live more fully in the present. The existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom (2008) suggests that “though the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us” (p. 33). By accepting our finitude, we are motivated to seize the moment and craft a life of purpose.

Belief in Personal Specialness or Invulnerability

A third misconception is the belief in personal specialness or invulnerability – the notion that we are exempt from life’s dangers and limitations (Yalom, 1980). This illusion of invincibility is a defense against the anxiety of uncertainty. If we imagine ourselves as special, we feel protected from random misfortunes that befall others.

The terror management theory in psychology proposes that self-esteem serves a protective function, shielding us from the fear of death (Pyszczynski, Greenberg, & Solomon, 1997). We cling to the belief that we are extraordinary and therefore immune to ordinary dangers. In therapy, this may present as narcissistic grandiosity, risk-taking behaviors, or a denial of one’s flaws and vulnerabilities (Yalom, 1980). The therapeutic task is to help clients develop a more realistic sense of self, accept their limitations with humility, and find courage in the face of life’s unpredictability.

Illusion of Control

Related to specialness is the illusion of control – the belief that we can master external events through willpower or manipulation (Yalom, 1980). This misconception is a defense against the existential anxiety of groundlessness, the recognition that life is ultimately contingent and uncontrollable. We grasp at the illusion of control to feel secure in a chaotic world.

In therapy, this may manifest as perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, or interpersonal power struggles (Shapiro, 1965). Clients may attempt to control the therapist, resist interventions, or blame external circumstances for their problems. The therapeutic challenge is to help clients relinquish the illusion of control, develop tolerance for uncertainty, and find peace in acceptance (Linehan, 1993).

The Serenity Prayer in Alcoholics Anonymous encapsulates this wisdom: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference” (Niebuhr, 1943). By distinguishing between what is within our control and what is not, we can focus our energy on shaping our attitudes and actions, rather than fighting futile battles against reality.

Meaninglessness

A fifth existential concern is meaninglessness – the worry that life has no inherent purpose or significance (Yalom, 1980). In the face of a vast, indifferent universe, our existence can feel arbitrary and absurd. This anxiety is captured in Albert Camus’ philosophical essay “The Myth of Sisyphus” (1942/1955), where he compares the human condition to the Greek myth of Sisyphus, condemned to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity.

In therapy, a sense of meaninglessness can manifest as apathy, depression, or suicidal ideation (Frankl, 1946/2006). Clients may feel that their lives are pointless, that their struggles are futile, or that their achievements are ultimately worthless. The therapeutic task is to help clients construct a sense of purpose, find value in their experiences, and engage in activities that generate meaning (Wong, 2010).

The psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl (1946/2006), in his influential book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” argued that meaning is not given but created. Even in the direst circumstances, we have the freedom to choose our attitude and actions, and thereby create meaning in our lives. Frankl proposed that meaning can be found through creativity, love, or transcendence of suffering. By dedicating ourselves to a cause, nurturing connections, or finding redemption in adversity, we can imbue our existence with significance.

Existential Isolation

A sixth misconception is the denial of existential isolation – the ultimate aloneness of our subjective experience (Yalom, 1980). Though we are embedded in social networks, we are fundamentally separate beings, each inhabiting our own consciousness. This isolation can evoke feelings of loneliness, alienation, and disconnection.

In therapy, a fear of isolation may present as codependent relationships, a need for constant validation, or a dread of abandonment (Yalom, 1980). Clients may avoid solitude, cling to unhealthy attachments, or conform to others’ expectations to preserve a sense of belonging. The therapeutic challenge is to help clients develop the capacity for autonomous functioning, tolerate aloneness, and cultivate authentic intimacy (Erikson, 1950).

The existential psychologist Rollo May (1953), in his book “Man’s Search for Himself,” proposed that the courage to be oneself, despite isolation, is the foundation of mental health. By embracing our individuality, asserting our will, and accepting the risks of authentic engagement, we can transform isolation into solitude and alienation into autonomy.

Freedom and Responsibility

A seventh existential concern is the burden of freedom and responsibility (Yalom, 1980). As autonomous beings, we are fundamentally free to choose our actions and attitudes, and therefore responsible for the consequences of our choices. This freedom can evoke anxiety, as it means that we must continually decide how to live and who to be.

In therapy, a denial of freedom may manifest as a victim mentality, an external locus of control, or a reliance on rigid rules and roles (Shapiro & Astin, 1998). Clients may attribute their problems to outside forces, follow prescribed scripts for living, or avoid making decisions to escape the anxiety of choice. The therapeutic task is to help clients recognize their agency, take ownership of their lives, and develop the courage to make authentic choices (Bugental, 1981).

The existential philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (1943), in his book “Being and Nothingness,” argued that we are “condemned to be free” (p. 485). Even in the face of external constraints, we always have the freedom to choose our attitude and imbue our situation with meaning. By embracing this freedom with responsibility, we can create ourselves authentically and shape our lives with intention.

Avoidance of Autonomous Behavior

An eighth misconception is the avoidance of autonomous behavior – the reluctance to take independent action and assert one’s will (Yalom, 1980). This avoidance stems from the anxiety of freedom, the fear of making wrong choices and bearing the consequences. It can lead to a passive, dependent stance, where one defers to others’ opinions and expectations.

In therapy, this may present as difficulty making decisions, a fear of asserting needs, or a tendency to seek guidance for every dilemma (Shapiro & Astin, 1998). Clients may feel paralyzed by choices, doubt their own judgment, or fear disapproval for expressing their true thoughts and feelings. The therapeutic challenge is to foster autonomy, build self-trust, and encourage clients to experiment with independent action (Rogers, 1961).

The humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers (1961), in his book “On Becoming a Person,” proposed that autonomous functioning is a key characteristic of psychological health. As we learn to trust our experiences, express our feelings congruently, and act on our values consistently, we become more fully ourselves. By supporting clients’ self-determination and respecting their capacity for growth, therapists can create the conditions for autonomous flourishing.

Belief in Cosmic Meaning (vs. Terrestrial Meaning)

A ninth existential concern is the belief in cosmic meaning – the idea that life has an ultimate, ordained purpose that transcends our earthly existence (Yalom, 1980). This belief can provide comfort in the face of life’s transience and tragedies, but it can also breed passivity and disengagement from worldly concerns.

In therapy, a fixation on cosmic meaning may manifest as a preoccupation with destiny, a reliance on faith for solutions, or a deferral of responsibility to higher powers (Schoepflin, 2009). Clients may feel that their lives are divinely scripted, that their problems will be mystically resolved, or that their actions are inconsequential compared to cosmic forces. The therapeutic task is to help clients find terrestrial meaning, value their agency, and engage purposefully with the world at hand (Yalom, 1980).

The existential philosopher Martin Buber (1923/1958), in his book “I and Thou,” distinguished between two modes of relating: I-It, where we treat others as objects to be used, and I-Thou, where we meet others in their full humanity. Buber argued that meaning is found not in cosmic abstractions, but in the concrete, lived dialogue between beings. By engaging with the world and others as a whole, present self, we can infuse our lives with terrestrial significance.

Fear of Groundlessness

A tenth misconception is the fear of groundlessness – the anxiety that arises when we recognize the contingency and unpredictability of existence (Yalom, 1980). In the absence of a stable, absolute foundation, we can feel disoriented, unsure of what to believe or how to act. This groundlessness can evoke feelings of vertigo, nihilism, or existential angst.

In therapy, a fear of groundlessness may present as a clinging to certainty, a dogmatic adherence to beliefs, or a desperate search for meaning (Cooper, 2003). Clients may resist ambiguity, seek definitive answers, or adopt rigid worldviews to anchor their existence. The therapeutic challenge is to help clients tolerate uncertainty, embrace the fluidity of meaning, and cultivate resilience in the face of change (Schneider & May, 1995).

The existential psychologist Kirk Schneider (1990), in his book “The Paradoxical Self,” proposed that mental health involves the capacity to hold opposites in tension, to embody both constancy and change. By learning to navigate the polarities of existence – freedom and limitation, isolation and connection, meaning and absurdity – we can develop a more flexible, adaptive self. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these tensions, build tolerance for ambiguity, and find stability in the midst of groundlessness (Schneider & May, 1995).

Denial of Contingency in Life

An eleventh existential concern is the denial of contingency in life – the refusal to accept the randomness and unpredictability of events (Yalom, 1980). We often cling to the belief that life follows a predictable, controllable course, and that our actions can guarantee specific outcomes. This denial can breed a false sense of security and a blindness to possibility.

In therapy, a denial of contingency may manifest as an overreliance on plans, a difficulty adapting to change, or an intolerance for risk (Shapiro & Astin, 1998). Clients may adhere rigidly to routines, fear deviating from expectations, or feel shattered when life takes unexpected turns. The therapeutic task is to help clients embrace uncertainty, cultivate flexibility, and find meaning in the face of life’s surprises (Bugental, 1981).

The existential psychologist James Bugental (1976), in his book “The Search for Existential Identity,” argued that authenticity involves an openness to experience, a willingness to engage with novelty and possibility. By learning to welcome the unknown, take risks, and adapt to changing circumstances, we can live more fully and creatively.

Overidentification with Roles

A twelfth existential concern is the overidentification with roles – the tendency to define oneself narrowly in terms of social positions and expectations (Yalom, 1980). While roles can provide a sense of structure and belonging, they can also limit our sense of self and constrain our possibilities. When we identify too rigidly with a role, we may neglect other aspects of our being and struggle when that role is threatened or lost.

In therapy, overidentification with roles may present as a difficulty tolerating retirement, a fear of changing careers, or an over-attachment to labels and titles (Shapiro & Astin, 1998). Clients may feel lost when a role is removed, struggle to assert needs that conflict with role expectations, or define their worth solely in terms of occupational success. The therapeutic challenge is to help clients dis-identify from limiting roles, explore multiple facets of self, and base their worth on intrinsic qualities (Rogers, 1961).

The humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow (1968), in his theory of self-actualization, proposed that psychological health involves a transcendence of narrow identities and a realization of one’s full potential. By learning to embrace our complexities, question societal prescriptions, and ground our worth in our inherent humanity, we can develop a more expansive, authentic sense of self.

Belief in the Curative Power of Insight Alone

A thirteenth misconception is the belief in the curative power of insight alone – the idea that understanding the roots of one’s problems is sufficient for change (Yalom, 1980). While insight is an important component of therapy, it is not a panacea. Change also requires the cultivation of new behaviors, the practice of new skills, and the willingness to confront challenges in reality.

In therapy, an overemphasis on insight may manifest as a preoccupation with self-analysis, a reluctance to take concrete actions, or a belief that change will occur magically once underlying issues are uncovered (Yalom, 2002). Clients may spend years exploring their psyche, gain remarkable self-understanding, yet remain stuck in maladaptive patterns. The therapeutic task is to help clients translate insight into action, develop practical strategies for change, and build resilience through gradual behavioral shifts (Beck, 1979).

The cognitive therapist Aaron Beck (1979), in his book “Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders,” emphasized the importance of “collaborative empiricism” the process of working with clients to test beliefs in reality and modify thoughts and behaviors accordingly. By encouraging clients to take risks, try new approaches, and evaluate results, therapists can foster a sense of self-efficacy and promote lasting change.

Misconception that Life Should Be Fair

A fourteenth existential concern is the misconception that life should be fair – the belief that good deeds should be rewarded, that suffering should be proportionate to sins, and that the world should operate according to principles of justice (Yalom, 1980). This belief can create a sense of entitlement, a resentment toward adversity, and a struggle to accept life’s inequities.

In therapy, a fixation on fairness may present as a difficulty accepting losses, a preoccupation with others’ advantages, or a sense of righteous indignation when expectations aren’t met (Smedes, 1984). Clients may feel cheated by challenges, compare their lot to others’, or rage against the unfairness of their circumstances. The therapeutic task is to help clients accept the inherent unfairness of life, find meaning in adversity, and take responsibility for their choices regardless of circumstances (Frankl, 1946/2006).

The Buddhist concept of “dukkha,” often translated as “suffering” or “unsatisfactoriness,” holds that pain is an inherent part of existence (Bodhi, 1984). By accepting the universality of suffering, letting go of attachment to specific outcomes, and meeting pain with compassion, we can reduce our anguish and find peace in the midst of life’s difficulties.

Belief in the Possibility of Perfect Security

A fifteenth existential concern is the belief in the possibility of perfect security – the idea that we can create a life free from danger, loss, and uncertainty (Yalom, 1980). This belief can lead to restrictive attempts to control one’s environment, an avoidance of risks, and a sense of anxiety when safety is threatened.

In therapy, a preoccupation with security may manifest as phobias, obsessive rituals, or a constriction of activities (van Deurzen, 2012). Clients may avoid flying, social situations, or intimacy due to fear of harm or rejection. They may engage in excessive precautions, ruminate about potential dangers, or feel paralyzed by anxiety when facing the unknown. The therapeutic challenge is to help clients accept the inevitability of risk, build distress tolerance, and engage meaningfully with life despite uncertainty (Yalom, 1980).

The existential psychotherapist Emmy van Deurzen (2012), in her book “Existential Counselling & Psychotherapy in Practice,” suggests that the quest for security is futile, as life is inherently uncertain. By learning to embrace vulnerability, take calculated risks, and derive a sense of safety from within, clients can break free from the confines of excessive caution and engage more fully with possibility.

Avoidance of Self-Confrontation

A sixteenth existential concern is the avoidance of self-confrontation – the reluctance to honestly examine oneself, acknowledge weaknesses, and confront painful truths (Yalom, 1980). This avoidance can lead to a denial of problems, a projection of blame onto others, and a stagnation of growth.

In therapy, an avoidance of self-confrontation may present as a resistance to exploring certain topics, a defensiveness when challenged, or a difficulty accepting responsibility for one’s role in problems (Bugental, 1981). Clients may deflect questions, externalize causes, or engage in self-justifying narratives to protect a fragile sense of self. The therapeutic task is to help clients develop the courage to face themselves honestly, accept their flaws and limitations, and take ownership of their choices and impacts (Yalom, 1980).

The Gestalt therapist Fritz Perls (1969), in his book “Gestalt Therapy Verbatim,” emphasized the importance of “self-confrontation in the here and now.” By learning to stay present with one’s immediate experience, acknowledge and express one’s genuine feelings, and take responsibility for one’s actions, clients can break free from self-deception and develop a more authentic, integrated sense of self.

Fear of Self-Actualization

A seventeenth existential concern is the fear of self-actualization – the anxiety that arises when we consider fulfilling our potential and living authentically (Yalom, 1980). While we may yearn for growth and self-realization, we may also fear the risks and responsibilities that come with embracing our possibilities.

In therapy, a fear of self-actualization may manifest as a self-sabotaging of success, a difficulty making commitments, or a sense of paralysis when faced with major life decisions (Maslow, 1968). Clients may undermine their achievements, resist taking definitive stands, or feel overwhelmed by the prospect of charting their own course. The therapeutic challenge is to help clients confront their fears, clarify their values, and find the courage to live in accordance with their authentic desires (Rogers, 1961).

The humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers (1961), in his book “On Becoming a Person,” argued that we have a natural tendency toward self-actualization, but that this tendency can be blocked by conditions of worth and fears of disapproval. By providing unconditional positive regard, empathic understanding, and a safe space for self-exploration, therapists can help clients reconnect with their organismic valuing process and pursue the path of authentic growth.

Denial of Finitude and Limitations

An eighteenth existential concern is the denial of finitude and limitations – the refusal to accept the realities of aging, illness, and death, and the inherent limitations of human existence (Yalom, 1980). This denial can lead to an overextension of energies, a neglect of self-care, and a struggle to find meaning in the face of inevitable decline.

In therapy, a denial of finitude may present as a relentless pursuit of achievements, a resistance to slowing down or asking for help, or a sense of shock when faced with health crises or the deaths of loved ones (Becker, 1973). Clients may push themselves past their limits, refuse to delegate tasks or acknowledge needs, or feel unprepared for the challenges of aging and loss. The therapeutic task is to help clients accept their mortal nature, grieve losses as they occur, and find value in the present moment despite the inevitability of death (Yalom, 2008).

The philosophical movement known as “transhumanism” reflects a contemporary manifestation of the denial of finitude (Bostrom, 2005). Transhumanists seek to transcend biological limitations through technological enhancements, with the ultimate goal of achieving immortality. While the desire to extend life is understandable, an excessive preoccupation with transcending limits can breed a neglect of pressing realities and a disconnect from the existential ground of being.

Belief in Absolute Truths and Universal Laws

A nineteenth existential concern is the belief in absolute truths and universal laws – the idea that there are objective, unchanging principles that govern reality and dictate proper conduct (Yalom, 1980). While a sense of certainty and moral clarity can provide comfort, an inflexible adherence to absolutes can breed dogmatism, judgment, and a struggle to adapt to complexities.

In therapy, a fixation on absolutes may present as a rigid, black-and-white thinking style, a difficulty tolerating ambiguity or exceptions, or a tendency to apply universal standards to diverse situations (Kohlberg, 1981). Clients may engage in moral perfectionism, categorical judgments of self and others, or a compulsive need to follow rules and principles. The therapeutic challenge is to help clients develop cognitive flexibility, tolerate nuance and context, and find a personal sense of meaning that allows for exceptions and individual differences (Frankl, 1946/2006).

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche (1886/1966), in his book “Beyond Good and Evil,” critiqued the belief in absolute truths and universal moral laws, arguing that such beliefs reflect a fear of uncertainty and a desire for power. He proposed a “perspectivism” that acknowledges the contextual, evolving nature of knowledge and values. By learning to embrace the complexity and subjectivity of truth, we can develop a more nuanced, adaptive approach to meaning-making.

Avoidance of Authentic Engagement

A twentieth and final existential concern is the avoidance of authentic engagement – the reluctance to fully embrace and participate in one’s life, relationships, and experiences (Yalom, 1980). This avoidance can manifest as a detachment from one’s feelings, a superficiality in one’s connections, and a sense of going through the motions rather than being fully present.

In therapy, an avoidance of authentic engagement may present as a difficulty accessing or expressing emotions, a pattern of disengagement or withdrawal from relationships, or a sense of alienation from one’s own experiences (May, 1981). Clients may intellectualize problems, maintain a façade of composure, or feel a pervasive sense of emptiness or disconnection. The therapeutic task is to help clients develop the capacity for emotional honesty, genuine relating, and full participation in their lives (Bugental, 1981).

The existential psychotherapist James Bugental (1987), in his book “The Art of the Psychotherapist,” described presence as a fundamental therapeutic skill. By learning to bring one’s whole self into the therapeutic encounter, attend fully to the client’s experience, and communicate with authenticity and immediacy, therapists can model and invite a more engaged way of being. Ultimately, the path to a meaningful life involves a willingness to show up fully, risk vulnerability, and embrace the joys and sorrows of existence.

The core existential concerns and philosophical misconceptions discussed above represent common challenges in the human struggle for meaning and authenticity. While these concerns can generate significant anxiety and suffering, they also provide opportunities for growth and transformation. By confronting these misconceptions in therapy, clients can develop a more realistic, flexible, and courageous approach to life’s inherent difficulties.

Ultimately, the path to existential well-being involves a willingness to accept reality as it is, embrace the full range of human experience, and take responsibility for one’s choices and actions. By learning to tolerate uncertainty, find meaning in the present moment, and engage authentically with oneself and others, one can navigate the challenges of existence with greater resilience, purpose, and joy.

As therapists, our role is to provide a safe, supportive space for clients to explore these existential concerns, challenge limiting beliefs, and experiment with new ways of being. By offering empathy, insight, and practical guidance, we can help clients develop the awareness, skills, and courage needed to live more fully and authentically. Ultimately, the goal of existential therapy is not to eliminate anxiety or provide definitive answers, but to help clients develop the capacity to face the complexities of existence with openness, creativity, and a sense of meaning and purpose.

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