yo There is a specific, heavy feeling that many therapy clients know intimately but struggle to name. It is not quite sadness, and it is not quite fear. It is a sense of fundamental wrongness—a deep, sinking belief that “I am not just making mistakes; I am a mistake.” This is Toxic Shame.

Unlike guilt, which is a healthy signal that we have violated our own values (“I did something bad”), shame is a global indictment of the self (“I am bad”). In the world of Somatic Therapy, we understand that shame is not just a painful emotion; it is a biological survival strategy. It is a total system shutdown designed to make us small, silent, and invisible in the face of a threat.

For survivors of complex trauma or childhood neglect, shame often becomes the baseline state of the nervous system. You might feel it as a chronic heaviness in the chest, a compulsion to look away during eye contact, or an inability to speak up for yourself. Because shame lives in the body’s “freeze” response, you cannot simply talk your way out of it. To heal toxic shame, we must learn to thaw the nervous system from the bottom up.

The Neuroscience of the “Shame Collapse”

To understand why shame is so paralyzed, we have to look at the Polyvagal Theory. Our nervous system has a hierarchy of responses to danger:

1. Social Engagement (Ventral Vagal): We seek connection and safety from others.
2. Fight or Flight (Sympathetic): If connection fails, we mobilize to defend ourselves.
3. Freeze/Collapse (Dorsal Vagal): If we cannot fight or flee, we shut down.

Shame is a Dorsal Vagal state. It is the physiological equivalent of playing dead. When a child is shamed by a parent—the very person they rely on for survival—their nervous system is caught in a terrible bind. They cannot fight the parent (too dangerous) and they cannot flee (they need food/shelter). So, the body collapses. The head drops, the shoulders round, the eyes avert, and the heart rate slows.

Over decades, this “posture of shame” can become permanent. We walk through life in a state of functional freeze, terrified of being “seen” because being seen was once dangerous. This is why positive affirmations often fail for shame; standing in the mirror and saying “I am worthy” feels like a lie because your body is biologically screaming, “Be small! Hide! It’s not safe!”

The Inner Critic: The Voice of the Aggressor

When we are trapped in a shame spiral, the mind tries to make sense of the physiological collapse by creating a narrative. Enter the Inner Critic. This is the voice that says, “You’re stupid,” “You’re ugly,” or “No one likes you.”

In Jungian depth psychology, we view the Inner Critic not as “the truth,” but as an internalized version of the aggressor. As children, we depended on our caregivers for everything. If a caregiver was abusive or neglectful, it was too terrifying to believe “My parent is bad.” That would mean we were unsafe. So, we adopted a safer belief: “My parent is good, but I am bad.” If I am the problem, then I have hope—I can fix myself and be safe.

This survival logic follows us into adulthood. We continue to beat ourselves up in a desperate (and unconscious) attempt to stay safe and “good.” Healing requires us to recognize that this self-hatred was originally an act of self-preservation.

Shame and the Addiction Cycle

Because the sensation of toxic shame is physically unbearable—it feels like a burning hole in the gut or a suffocating blanket—human beings will do almost anything to numb it. This is the root of many addictions.

Whether it is alcohol, opioids, doom-scrolling, or perfectionism, addictive behaviors are often attempts to regulate the nervous system out of the shame collapse. Substances provide a temporary, artificial sense of “warmth” or “excitement” that counters the cold numbness of the Dorsal Vagal state. We cannot effectively treat addiction without treating the underlying shame that drives the craving.

Somatic Antidotes: How to Move Through Shame

Since shame is a physiological state of “hiding,” the antidote is to slowly, safely practice “being seen.” At our clinic, Robin Taylor, LICSW-S helps clients build the capacity to tolerate shame without collapsing. Here are three somatic tools we use:

1. Correcting the Posture (The Anti-Collapse)

Shame has a shape: curled in, head down, chest protected. You can send a “safety” signal to your brain by gently reversing this shape.

The Practice: When you feel the shame spiral starting, notice your shoulders. Are they up by your ears? Is your spine rounded? Very slowly, lengthen your spine. Imagine a string pulling the top of your head toward the sky. Open your chest just 5%. You don’t have to “power pose”; just take up your natural amount of space. Breathe into the belly. This simple physical expansion tells the nervous system: “I have a right to exist here.”

2. Orienting to a Friendly Face

Shame convinces us that everyone is looking at us with disgust. We project our Shadow onto the world. To break this, we need “biologically safe” social cues.

The Practice: If you are in public, look for a neutral or kind face. If you are alone, look at a photo of a pet, a loved one, or a spiritual figure who represents unconditional love. Soften your eyes. Let yourself receive the image of “kind eyes.” This stimulates the Ventral Vagal system, which cannot coexist with the shame shutdown.

3. “Back-to-Back” Grounding

Shame makes us feel unsupported, as if we are floating in a void. We need to feel that our back is covered.

The Practice: Sit on the floor with your back pressing firmly against a wall, a couch, or a sturdy tree. Push your lower back into the support. Feel the solidity behind you. Remind yourself: “I am backed. I am supported. I am not floating.” This physical sensation of support can help contain the overwhelming feeling of emotional abandonment.

The Role of the Witness in Therapy

Ultimately, shame must be healed in relationship. Because shame was born in a relational wound (being rejected or unseen), it must be healed in a relational repair. This is the power of the therapeutic relationship.

In therapy, when you share a shameful secret or show a vulnerable part of yourself, and the therapist meets you not with judgment, but with curiosity and compassion, the shame circuit is disrupted. Your nervous system expects rejection, but it gets connection instead. This “mismatch” creates a new neural pathway. Over time, you learn that you can be flawed and still be worthy of love.

If you have been living in the shadow of toxic shame, know this: You were not born ashamed. You were taught it. And what was learned can be unlearned. Robin Taylor specializes in creating a shame-free, somatic container where you can slowly dismantle the inner critic and reclaim your inherent worth.

Ready to break the spiral? Schedule a session with Robin Taylor, LICSW-S, to explore how somatic therapy can help you heal the shame that binds you.