There is perhaps no pain more disorienting than the betrayal of a narcissist. It is not merely the dissolution of a relationship; it is the systematic annihilation of a reality. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often describe a sensation of psychological fragmentation—a terrifying feeling that the person they loved never actually existed, and that the person they were has been eroded by gaslighting, manipulation, and chronic devaluation.

In the clinical world, we categorize this experience under Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome or Betrayal Trauma. However, clinical terms often fail to capture the sheer, visceral rage that follows the realization of betrayal. This rage is frequently pathologized by society and weaponized by the abuser. Victims are labeled “hysterical,” “unstable,” or “bitter,” particularly in high-conflict divorces where the narcissist paints the victim as the aggressor.

To truly understand this dynamic, we must look beyond diagnostic manuals and into the archetypal history of the human psyche. The ancient Greeks understood this specific form of agony perfectly, and they immortalized it in the tragedy of Medea. By synthesizing modern clinical science with the ancient wisdom of Euripides, we can validate the survivor’s rage not as madness, but as a desperate, physiological attempt to reclaim the self.

The Clinical Anatomy of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic relationships are rarely chaotic in their structure; rather, they are rigidly scripted. Understanding this script is the first step toward breaking the cognitive dissonance that keeps victims trapped.

1. The Idealization Phase (The Love Bomb)

The narcissist mirrors your deepest desires, creating a “soulmate” fantasy. This phase is chemically addictive, flooding the victim’s brain with dopamine and oxytocin. The victim is not falling in love with a person; they are falling in love with a reflection of their own “Golden Shadow”—their own unacknowledged potential and light, which the narcissist is mimicking to secure attachment.

2. The Devaluation Phase (The Erosion of Reality)

Once attachment is secured, the mask slips. The narcissist begins a campaign of subtle criticisms, backhanded compliments, and gaslighting—a tactic designed to make the victim doubt their own sensory perception and memory.

• The Goal: To erode the victim’s autonomy so they become a compliant source of “narcissistic supply.”

• The Result: The victim begins to self-monitor and self-censor, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering the narcissist’s rage or withdrawal.

3. The Discard (The Annihilation)

When the victim is depleted, or a “better” source of supply is found, the narcissist abandons the relationship with shocking coldness. This is often accompanied by a smear campaign, rewriting history to blame the victim for the relationship’s failure.

Betrayal Trauma and the Brain

Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term Betrayal Trauma to describe the specific damage caused when a person we depend on for survival or attachment violates our trust. This is distinct from other forms of PTSD because it involves a necessary survival mechanism known as Betrayal Blindness.

To survive in a relationship with a narcissist (especially for children of narcissistic parents or financially dependent spouses), the victim unconsciously screens out evidence of the abuse. The brain prioritizes attachment over truth because isolation feels like a death sentence to the mammalian nervous system.

When the truth finally breaks through—often called “D-Day”—the cognitive dissonance creates a psychological shockwave. The survivor isn’t just grieving a loss; they are grappling with the realization that their reality was a fabrication. This can lead to symptoms of severe dissociation and physiological collapse.

Further Reading: For a deeper understanding of how these patterns form in childhood, explore our guide on The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Allan N. Schore .

“Reactive Abuse” and the Myth of the Crazy Ex

One of the most insidious aspects of this dynamic is Reactive Abuse. This occurs when the victim, pushed to the brink by prolonged psychological torture, gaslighting, and stonewalling, finally snaps. They may scream, throw things, or say cruel words—behavior that is uncharacteristic of their true personality.

The narcissist effectively “pokes the bear” until it roars, then calmly steps back, points a finger, and says, “Look how unstable you are. You are the abuser.”

This is not abuse. It is a fight-or-flight response to prolonged psychological threat. It is the body saying, “No more.” In the courtroom or therapy office, however, this reaction can be devastatingly misunderstood.

The Mythic Mirror: Medea and the False Hero

Depth psychology allows us to view these modern clinical dynamics through the lens of myth. Euripides’ Medea is often remembered simply as the story of a monster who killed her children. However, a Depth Psychological Analysis of Medea reveals it is actually a profound study of betrayal trauma and the rage of the Wounded Feminine.

Jason: The Archetype of the Narcissist

Jason (of the Argonauts) represents the Pathological Ego. He is charismatic, ambitious, and obsessed with status (the Golden Fleece). He does not achieve his success alone; he uses Medea’s magic—her resources, her love, her intuition, and her power—to win.

• The Use and Discard: Once Jason has secured his status in Corinth, he decides to discard Medea to marry the King’s daughter for political gain.

• The Gaslight: When Medea confronts him, Jason gaslights her. He claims he is marrying the princess “for the family” and tells Medea she should be grateful he brought her from her “barbaric” land to civilization. He creates a narrative where he is the benevolent hero, and she is the irrational burden.

Medea: The Shadow of the Feminine

Medea represents the Anima or the Soul that has been betrayed by the ambitious Ego. When her profound love and sacrifice are met with callous discard, her libido (life energy) inverts. She transforms from a nurturer into a destroyer.

This illustrates a key Jungian concept: Any archetype, when repressed or betrayed, will flip into its shadow form.

The tragedy of Medea serves as a warning. Her ultimate act—killing her children—is a metaphor for self-destruction. When survivors hold onto rage and vengeance, they often destroy their own “inner children”—their innocence, their future potential, and their capacity for joy—just to hurt the narcissist.

Healing the Wound: A Path to Integration

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not about “forgiving and forgetting.” It is about integration—reclaiming the parts of yourself that were stolen, suppressed, or weaponized.

1. Validating the Rage

You must acknowledge your inner Medea. The rage you feel is a healthy response to the violation of your soul. In Jungian Therapy , we do not suppress the rage; we interview it. We ask, “What are you trying to protect?” Usually, the rage is a fiery guardian standing at the gate of your boundaries, ensuring you are never violated again.

2. Somatic Release

Rage and betrayal are high-arousal energies stored in the sympathetic nervous system. They cannot be “thought” away through cognitive talk therapy alone. The body keeps the score. Modalities like Somatic Trauma Mapping allow survivors to discharge this energy safely, moving the nervous system out of the freeze/fight response and back into regulation.

3. Reality Testing and the “True Mirror”

The narcissist eroded your trust in your own perception. Recovery involves rebuilding your “Inner Thermometer.”

• Journaling: Write down events as they happen to create an objective record to counter gaslighting.

• Trusted Mirrors: You must find a therapist or support group who can reflect reality back to you. The “False Mirror” of the narcissist must be replaced with the “True Mirror” of a safe community.

4. Reclaiming the Golden Shadow

Often, we fall for narcissists because they project our own Golden Shadow back to us. We projected our own power, brilliance, or specialness onto them because we didn’t feel worthy of holding it ourselves.

• The Work: Realize that the “magic” you saw in them was actually your magic reflected in their mirror. You are the source of the Golden Fleece. Jason was just the thief.

5. Moving from Vengeance to Indifference

Medea’s tragedy was that she remained attached to Jason through her hate. As long as you are trying to punish the narcissist or prove them wrong, you are still in a relationship with them.

• The Goal: The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. Recovery is reached when the narcissist no longer holds an emotional charge for you—when they become just a sad, limited character in your past history, rather than the villain in your present story.

Conclusion: The Alchemical Gold

The journey through narcissistic abuse is a descent into the underworld. But in alchemy, the nigredo (the blackening or decomposition) is the necessary first step in creating the Philosopher’s Stone. By surviving the annihilation of the False Self (the relationship), you have the opportunity to build a True Self that is resilient, differentiated, and profoundly wise. You are not broken; you are in the fire of transformation.

Next Steps

If you are struggling with the aftermath of a toxic relationship, you do not have to navigate the underworld alone.

• Explore Brainspotting Therapy for Trauma to process the neurological roots of betrayal.

• Read more about The Heroine’s Sacrifice to understand the archetypal patterns of self-abandonment.

• Contact Taproot Therapy Collective to schedule a session with a trauma-informed clinician.

External References:

• Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Harvard University Press. Learn more at the Center for Institutional Courage.

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Identify Abuse and Get Help.

• Mayo Clinic. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Symptoms and Causes. Read the Clinical Definition.